Where to get help with your Parenting Skill?

We are all born with some parenting skill; qualities such as patience, ability to love, and humour, but other skills need to be learned. Parents do not know how to react to situations until they are faced with them and are on a constant learning curve.

 

The first thing to remember is to never be afraid to ask for advice. Whatever the situation you are trying to deal with, someone else has been through it before you. Your family and your friends are a great source of advice and information, as they may have developed a particular parenting skill that you haven’t needed to find yet.

 

Books and the internet are also a great source of information. A quick look at online booksellers or internet sites shows a massive amount of advice available. It is a good idea to double check parenting skill advice you find on the internet though as it obviously isn’t checked or regulated.

 

Thirdly, your doctor, health visitor, midwife and nurses are available to help you. If you are seriously worried about a health or behavioural problem with your child they are the best people to ask. There are lots of facilities available to help, such as child psychologists, educational psychologists, and in some cases of behavioural problems medications can even be prescribed to help control the symptoms. Do not be worried about wasting the health professionals’ time – you aren’t wasting their time at all, and they are happy to help. Parenting skill isn’t something you have to learn on your own.

 

Another way to get help with your parenting skill is to go to classes. Many classes and programs are available, either dealing with specific issues or general skills. Your local surgery or social services should be able to provide you with details of these. If you are having serious problems then social services will also be able to give you help. Asking social services doesn’t mean they are going to take your children from you so please don’t be afraid of asking them for help when you need it.

 

Whatever issues you have with parenting skill, whether you simply need reassurance, or whether you need serious help, you are not on your own. Millions have had similar problems before you and millions will have the same issues in the future. By using the resources you have available to you, you will give your children the benefit of the best information and parenting skill possible.

 

For more details of parenting skills refer to my free e-book “New Parenting Style” on http://www.newparentingstyle.com/index.html.

The author is a successful marketing executive and a mother of two boys. She has had a rough ride in the past two years and has successfully saved her family from the brink of disaster by working on her parenting techniques. You can access her free report “New Parenting Style” or buy her book “Solving Teenage Problems” on http://www.teenageproblems.newparentingstyle.com or check your “Parent Stress Intensity Quotient” for free on http://www.stressmanagement.newparentingstyle.com.

Parenting Help To Protect Children—When Parents Fail—Explanation Of A Way To Solve The Problem

The Premise
Many instances exist in our society where children are hurt because of the lack of parental protection or control. Often, it seems obvious to us, as rape victims and sexual abuse survivors, that with more parental involvement that those tragic events may have been avoided completely. We may ask, “Why didn’t my parent or guardian protect me?” The answer may lie in the fact that a pattern of abuse can follow from generation to generation, affecting our parent’s actions. Furthermore, how does one stop the cycle?

My Personal Experience
“What’s going on here? Are you OK? Why are you out here by yourself?”

“I was throwing my paper route with my sister, but a man asked me to help him find his cat. And, oh my God, he got me!” My crying intensified for a moment. “Now he is going to try and get my sister. I have to warn her!”

“Where were your parents? Don’t they go out with you when you throw papers?”

I never liked going out alone on Sunday morning, but I never thought it was wrong of my parents to let us go by ourselves. I figured they would not let us do anything that could possibly harm us. They had to love us enough to protect us. Now it seemed this officer was questioning their judgment.

I sheepishly answered, “No, they are home asleep.” I was relieved to see we were stopping, which meant the probing questions would stop.

As soon as the police could, however, they asked my mom to explain. “Ma’am, can you tell us why Mary and Cindy were out throwing papers by themselves so early in the morning?”

My mom’s defenses shot up quickly. “Those two little boogers, they always left the house on their own, without waking us. I work hard and sleep soundly. I did not hear them go out. My husband and I told them before to get us up, but they never did. I never thought anything like this could happen.”

My mom’s mind was racing. The thought of a man raping her child brought forward ugly memories from her past. She fought to hold back her tears. She would not permit herself to shed a single drop. Her paternal grandfather had always fondled her whenever he got the chance. As far as my mom knew, he also ‘messed with’ one of her two older sisters, but that sister was ornery and much braver than my mom had been. The sister was better at fending him off.

My mom had never told anyone about her encounters as a small child with her paternal grandfather, not even her parents or her husband. When shown pictures of him, she just commented, “I never liked going to his house.”

I found out the ugly truth when, as an adult, I confronted her about my rape and her lack of parental protection. She broke down, confiding in me that she, too, had experience with inappropriate sexual behavior. My mother relayed the story of her grandfather and his escapades. She said she was only about five or six when the first incident with him happened. I asked her why she did not tell her parents. Her answer: “I was too ashamed.” Her thinking directly influenced the rest of her actions on the day of my rape.

Too Ashamed
As shown in my own personal account, my mom had experience of inappropriate sexual behavior that was unbeknownst to me as a child. She never discussed it because she ‘was ashamed.’ But why would she be ashamed? She did nothing wrong. She, like me, was just a child when her ghastly experience occurred.

To feel ashamed, one must consider his or her self unworthy. The very definition of shame validates this, as Webster’s dictionary uses the word ‘degrade’ to characterize the word. Therefore, to feel shame and guilt, one must feel inferior. However, where might you get the concept that you are either inferior or superior to someone else?

The Key
How many of you think that God lives in heaven? Do you think that heaven is outside of you? Consider the idea that the spirit of God is everywhere. If the spirit of God is everywhere, doesn’t that include you and me?

Believing that God is outside of you can result in feelings of inferiority or superiority. Why?  If you believe you are separate from the spirit, you are also allowing a belief that you can be separate from others. Considering the statement from a spiritual teacher named Charles Crooks, “We are all part of the whole and not separate” can offer a more beneficial way to look at our connection to the spirit, and to others. Only when you realize that you are part of the whole spirit of God, and therefore, part of others can you comprehend that you are not separate and therefore, inferiority is not possible.

Stop the Shame
Might this be a valid way to stop the cycle of abuse? Stop the shame and you can stop the cycle. If parents are not ashamed, it is more likely that they will take appropriate actions to protect their children. Furthermore, each parent that protects a child may be stopping one more cycle of abuse. Is this not worth a try?

Copyright Statement:
This article was written by Cindy L. Herb and may be reproduced on any related website provided the text is not changed in any form and this copyright statement is displayed unedited in its entirety at the foot of the article and you use the exact same HTML code to ensure a clickable link back to the author’s site. Further articles are also available. Contact the author for more information. Copyright 2010 Cindy L. Herb, http://www.cherbchronicles.com. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Cindy L. Herb, author of Awakening the Spirit: The Open Wide Like a Floozy Chronicles, specializes in Mind, Body, and Spirit healing, and Physical/Sexual Abuse Recovery. As an inspirational speaker, Cindy L. Herb offers others an alternative approach to healing from any trauma through a simple, proven process. To download your FREE report, Some Helpful Steps to Healing, please visit the author’s website at http://www.cherbchronicles.com. You can also follow cherbchronicles on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/cherbchronicles. In addition, you can request Cindy L. Herb as a friend on Facebook, LinkedIn or YouTube.

Tips For Parents – Parents Can Help Kids Stay Alcohol Free

Parents who want to prevent their children from drinking. Many kids and teens try alcohol. Most children have their first alcohol at an early age, as young as 10 or 11 or even younger. This is dangerous. alcohol can cause special problem for kids and teenagers because many parts of their body  are not fully grown yet.  They are also more likely to develop problems with alcohol later in life.

Many kids to get the wrong message about alcohol. Children are receiving powerful messages about alcohol from the media, their friends, families and from your own attitudes and behaviors. So it’s important to start discussing alcohol use and abuse with your kids at an early age and keep talking about it as they grow up. So it’s important to start discussing alcohol use and abuse with your kids at an early age and keep talking about it as they grow up.

The effect alcohol abuse:

Alcohol is a kind of drug and you can become addicted to it. alcohol slows the brain’s activities and the activity of the spinal cord. alcohol also changes the way people feel. A small amount of alcohol often makes people talk more or makes them feel happy or relaxed. But drinking too much can make a person feel angry or unhappy. The more they drink, the worse their behavior can get.    

Many accidents are caused by those who decide to drink and drive cars, boats, ships, planes or trains. Driving is a big problem when alcohol is involved. Even small amounts of alcohol can reduce coordination, slow reflexes, and lead to overconfidence. Alcohol is a factor in half of all highway fatalities and one-third of all highway injuries.

Steps to help children stay alcohol free:

1. Talking to Kids About Alcohol. Children benefit from healthy, open communication with their parents and other significant adults. Shutdown or failure to communicate leaves children isolated and vulnerable.

2. Listen carefully. Parents who listen as well as speak—and when they speak, do so with respect and kindness, instead of preaching and ordering—have a stronger rapport with their children.
Teach them to say “no, thanks” when the drink offered is an alcoholic one.

3. Bonding. Children who enjoy a strong sense of bonding with parents and siblings will be more inclined to communicate with them and rely upon them for guidance and support and to discuss the topic of peer pressure and their own thoughts, questions, and concerns about alcohol use. They will be more concerned about pleasing their family because of the love that is shared.

4. Establish a clear family position on drugs. Parents who transmit to their children—in a consistently loving and respectful way—a sound set of moral values help ground their children against a complex, confusing, and shifting world. Teaching a child a standard of obedience by personal example as well as precept, and by emphasizing it, helps internalize important values.

5. Be a good example. Children will do what you do much more readily than what you say.

6. Get involved with your child’s activities. Encourage your children to participate in supervised groups, clubs, and events that are challenging, fun, and alcohol free.

7. Buid Self-esteem. Children who possess high self-esteem and good social and life skills are more likely to thrive in a social setting and are less likely to become involved in delinquent behavior and alcohol abuse. Parents, teachers, clergy, and community leaders should teach and provide opportunities for children to develop these important skills.

8. Discuss what makes a good friend. Teach your kids to choose friends wisely and how to form positive relationships.

9. Set the rule. Parents who engage in active rule setting and consistently fair discipline give their children a clear signal that they are valuable and that certain things are a high priority.

10. Role modeling. Parents and siblings who do not drink or drink very discreetly and modestly are set up to be stronger influences and role models for their teens for abstinence.

11. Spirituality. Parents who bequeath upon their children a strong spiritual and religious orientation and a belief system that encourages faith and hope and trust in things higher and more powerful than themselves give their children a power that is superior to any other. This faith will strengthen the spiritual resolve that controls physical appetites and helps them overcome serious challenges in their lives.

 

If you want more information about family please visit this site right now.

Get Help Discovering Secrets to Parenting Help

What is the secret to successful parenting? That is something every parent wants to know. It is common for parents from all walks of life to need help in becoming better at what they do. There is no doubt that parenting is not easy. There is no handbook, but fortunately, there is parenting help in Iowa. Read more to find out how to be a sccuessful parent.

As a parent, you will teach your child many things. Self-disapline is one of the greatest values parents can instill in thier children. When children can successfully discipline themselves, they will know how to avoid trouble and they will know how to act when you are not around.

It is necessary that the parents have to teach self-discipline to their children so that the children can learn to reach bright future You may have had to cope with the problematic behavior of somebody else\’s child. This is an example of how children act when they do not have self-discipline.

Teaching your child self-discipline will give them many great virtues. Your child will be respectful of others, stay out of trouble and avoid bad situations. Your child will behave well during school hours, learn to think critically, and solve problems in a logical manner. Self-discipline is a skill that will benefit your child throughout their life.

You might not know what to do to help your child develop self-discipline. Parenting help in Iowa can help you. It never hurts to seek out parenting advice. It just shows that you want to be the best parent and that you are willing to work at it.

Encouraging your youngster in all aspects of life will help them learn self control. Encourgement is always the way to go not allowing one to give in or leave. You should encourage them to use their problem solving skills so they can always finish what they start.

You should also foster a feeling of responsibility in your child. Give them chores and make them responsible for their own chores. If they have a pet then make them responsible for the pet. Avoid trying to do everything for your child. Teach them that they are responsible for their own actions.

We develop self-discipline through decision making processes. When a child knows that they will have to deal with the consequences of their actions, it helps them to learn to make good choices. Do not shelter your child from bad things. Let them experience things so that they can learn the good from the bad. If you make decisions for them, they will not learn what they need to know to make their own decisions.

You will not always be there to help your child. You have to teach your child the skills they will need to stay safe, be happy, healthy and to be a productive member of society. Children getting bad grades in school get into trouble and who lack self-discipline seem to make bad choices. Parenting in Iowa will show you how to get the very best for your offspring.

This parenting help has given you some great advice on the secret to successful parenting. To guide your child to being a productive and successful adult should be your goal as a parent. It is a long process, but it can be easier when you seek out parenting help and do your best to learn the things you can do to raise great kids.

Unless you already know… there?s a specialized website on Parenting Help in Iowa that offers great expert parenting advice. Get more help discovering secrets to parenting help and many more tips to help you raise a happy and productive child at
http://www.parentinghelpiniowa.com

5 Great Tips To Help Parenting Your Child !

You surely know that a kid’s bad behavior isn’t going to cease with time and that there are many things parents can do to enhance things. Truely, time often worsens the situation. You have to always see an unhealthy behavior in your child as the opportunity to teach him something, and not as a fatality or some kind of curse! But I suppose that if you are seeking for help parenting your child, you already understand that.

At first, I would like you to check out the following statements and recognize they could be true (I fully understand it’s hard to face it!):

* You don’t always understand your little one.
* You do not always react the right way as a consequence of your lack of comprehension.

It’s not your fault! First, we’re not born parents. Second, little ones are strange little things! Being conscious of the result of our reactions on our children is extremely important.

At the time I was in need of help parenting my daughter, I learnt to see the situation differently. The first point was this :

1. My child needs my help to quit his unhealthy behavior and habits.

Indeed, you are the one who knows how to behave in a different way, who has the possible choices and solutions and can teach them to your little one. It is why saying “don’t” or “stop” won’t produce any changes. Explain things, how emotions can be expressed with words, why an unhealthy behaviour is punished, why hitting is wrong… Little ones aren’t little grown ups and therefore we must be aware of how they perceive us and then adapt ourselves to them.

You need help parenting your kid and I’m convinced the following tips will bring effects if you use them.

2. Stay quiet, keep your voice down, do not give in. Your little one copies you so it really is better to make him comprehend that screamingis useless by applying your own principles to yourself.

3. Encourage his positive behaviors and attitude. It’s seriously more effective than punishing an unhealthy behavior! Whenever your little one understands the privileges and nice things he can obtain by having a good behaviour, he’ll follow it. Notice his initiatives, tell him you are proud of him when he helps you around the house or remains calm when you say “no” to something. If you offer him a book or a toy to encourage his behaviour, make clear which action you are rewarding. He needs to see it as a consequence of his good behavior.

4. Talk a lot. Make things clear. Before going to the mall or visiting a friend with your child, tell him where the two of you are going, at what time you’ll come back home, and most importantly how you want him to behave and the consequences if he doesn’t respect that. You need help parenting your kid but do not forget your child needs your help too!

5. Distinct your little one from his behaviour. He must be aware that you don’t ever punish who he is but what he does. You love him anyway but because you’re his parent, you are here to teach him what is right and wrong and help him.

Because you need help parenting your little one, I guess the situation right now probably is not simple at all, you might feel powerless. You can make a change occur by changing your behaviour. It is a tested fact. Additionally to these advices, sometimes parents need a parenting guide, (I did), because the child has strong unhealthy routines and mothers and fathers have lost control for a long time but it’s never too late.

If you want to apply a parenting method, the web site I created with other mothers and fathers might help you seeing more clearly how a program can help you (the link is in my bio). Everyone can do it !

Laura Kaine is the mother of June (10) and Jack (4). She personally helped many parents and shares her knowledge online as an expert parenting writer. After putting an end to her daughter’s defiant behavior thanks to a parenting program, she convinced other parents to gather their experiences and review together different parenting methods that worked for them. The website they created together is www.YourParentingHelp.com.

Basic Parenting Tips for Adhd – Help is at Hand

The key to ADHD treatment is not ADHD medication – it is simply parenting skills and parenting tips for ADHD is a hot topic right now. Parents want to know how to control their kids, deal with screaming and kicking, temper tantrums and failure to complete homework.

All the kids you read about in the blogs who are out of control and aggressive are sometimes just reacting to their ADHD meds. Aggression is one of the behaviours associated with these psychostimulant drugs, as indeed with marijuana, cocaine, ecstasy and other substances. When the parents are interviewed the ONE thing that comes out is their failure to set limits. This is very often the result of guilt or fear or indulgence on their part. Being over strict or over indulgent is going to have an enormous influence on the way your child behaves. The ability to set limits which are realistic is one of best parenting tips for ADHD that you can apply.

Here are some five more parenting tips ADHD:

1. How the family functions is KEY. Very often, the rules are unclear or applied unfairly. Sometimes, the father may apply the rules in a different way from the mother and confusion and misbehaviour are the result.
2. Time limits and setting the routine. The child knows what happens and when it happens. Routine is important to the ADHD child so there is a time limit for watching TV, computer and video games and so on. Letting children know when things are due to finish helps them in their time management skills, rather than finishing each activity brusquely.
3. Getting ready for bed has to follow a set routine as well . Proper preparation and calming down activities are a great help here. This also helps with sleep problems.
4. Make sure that you are communicating with your child and praising him or her when tasks, such as homework are finished. Help them to break jobs and chores into little pieces remembering that their attention span is rather short. This is especially helpful for homework.
5. Children and the whole family are aware of the rewards and withdrawal of benefits if jobs and tasks are not completed or done. A points or star system to win a special prize or treat which are put on post-its on the fridge door is a good idea.

I know one mother of an ADHD child who became a Taekwondo champion and that was because she refused to have him put on medication. Organising outdoor and physical activities together with your kids is very important too as it increases bonding. While parenting tips for ADHD are useful, there is still the question of what type of medication to give your child. You are probably scared to death about the side effects of the
ADHD drugs and wonder if there is a safer, natural treatment for ADHD. Parenting tips ADHD are just one part of the mosaic- the others are mentioned below and should make your life a lot easier and more serene.

Robert Locke is a Health enthusiast who specializes in Children’s Health. He has written extensively on ADHD. Discover what ADHD Alternative Therapy is available.

A Parenting Guide for ADHD Help

ADHD drugs are great! They can reduce impulsiveness and hyperactivity in children with ADHD and are a great ADHD help in times of desperation. Only problem is that there is no magic pill which will change a child’s behavior. Neither will it help them to learn about self control or how to manage time and tasks. This is the sort of parenting guide that parents want and need.

Any parent looking for a parenting guide will be on the look out for quick and easy parenting tips. They can help a lot but it is a long term commitment in learning about behavior modification techniques which will reinforce in the child desired behaviors and eliminate the bad ones. That means spending time with the child but the results can be long lasting and gratifying when you see a child coming out of the ADHD tunnel and growing into a healthy well balanced individual.

Your child may not dash across the road if he is on psychostimulants which is a comfort and a relief. But the child has no idea what to do instead. By learning behavior therapy, the child will learn to adopt positive behavior instead. When the child behaves appropriately, there will be positive reinforcement through rewards and privileges while negative behavior will result in facing consequences. This is the most realistic and practical ADHD help you can get. It means commitment though.

William Pelham who is the Director of the Center for Children and Families at the State University of New York is a great believer in behavior therapy for children with ADHD of any age. He is convinced that the advantages will far outweigh any temporary benefit with ADHD psychostimulants..

Many parents have found that by using a little medication to keep disturbing symptoms of ADHD like impulsivness and squirming under control, together with behavior therapy techniques is a parenting guide which stands the test of time. It is also supported by the American Psychological Association who are now coming out strongly in favour of ADHD behavior therapy.

As about 20% of ADHD children have problems with psychostimulants, I know that thousands of parents are now using an ADHD homeopathic remedy which has no side effects and practically no risks for the child’s health. This homeopathic cure goes perfectly with ADHD behavior therapy and can form the the foundations of an effective parenting guide.

Robert Locke is a Health enthusiast who specializes in Children’s Health. He has written extensively on ADHD. Discover how ADHD behavioral therapy can change your life.

How the Sandwich Generation Can Help Their Parents Create a Legacy of Meaning

As a Baby Boomer member of the Sandwich Generation, perhaps you have already had talks with your aging parents about their wills, beneficiaries, and advanced medical directives for hospital care. But have you discussed an ethical will or the legacy of meaning they wish to leave behind? As parents grow older, it becomes more important to them to be remembered for the life lessons they taught than for the material gifts they leave behind.

Rachel remembers her first experience with just such a legacy. “My mother-in-law was a wise woman. Although she wasn’t able to continue her education beyond high school, her understanding of people rivaled that of any psychologist. She raised my husband, a sickly boy, to be self-confident and to strive for the best. She gave all of her grandchildren unconditional love and support. And she never questioned my place in our family. But I think her wisdom was most valuable to all of the family after she learned that her cancer had metastasized. Before she died, she had long private talks with each one of us, never shying away from the truth, even with her grandchildren. She wanted to leave a lasting personal legacy with every member of her family and a final expression of her love for each of us. I am still strengthened by the memory of my final talk with her, even today.”

What can you do to help create a legacy of meaning within your own family? To get started, here are some suggestions.

1. Spend quality time talking with your parents about the values that are important to them. Ask them specific questions about what ethics have guided them through the years. You probably know some of these answers from having observed them and their role modeling, but the conversations can be further enlightening. As Mimi cared for her mom when she was at the end stages of heart failure, they had long conversations deep into the night. Mimi grew to appreciate her mother as never before. “I used to criticize her for being so frugal. I now realize she was afraid she wouldn’t have enough money to survive. I decided to use the small inheritance she managed to save for me in a way she would appreciate. I’ve opened college bank accounts for the children of my brother, who is struggling financially. I am proud that I can honor my mom in this way.”

2. Talk with your parents about their past and the stories of their lives. Their tales will become a part of how you remember them. Through you, the history of your parents will be preserved from generation to generation. Look through their old photographs and listen to the memories they evoke. Video tape these conversations to have a lasting visual and oral record of them. View these family photos and videos as a slice of life – a gift for the future to be enjoyed by your children and grandchildren. Sarah loved seeing the pictures of her mother as a teenager, having fun with her friends at the beach. “Mom always worked so hard – she had two jobs when we were little – and I think it aged her tremendously. My children see her only as very old and infirm. When I show them pictures of her as a girl, full of energy and enthusiasm, she seems more real to them.”

3. Identify what you consider to be your parents’ personal strengths and talk with them about the strengths they remember in their own parents. Create a family strengths tree, focusing both on strengths that have been passed down and on those that are unique to each family member. You will have a concrete visual profile of your ancestors’ virtues to guide you and your children. Toby recalled the impact that her father’s character had on her. “He taught me so much about how to be a good human being just by the way he treated everyone around him. I try to live up to his standard of morality every day in the way I live my life.”

4. Consult with books or Internet websites to help your parents create an ethical will. Your family will be enriched by their legacy – knowing what they believed in, their values and rituals, and how they lived their lives. Remaining emotionally open during this interactive process can help you better understand your parents as well as yourself and your own personal goals. Shortly before he died, Lynn and her father wrote down some of his thoughts and answers to the questions they had discussed. Now when she feels troubled, she spends time rereading her journal. “Dad lived to age 92. He is always in my mind and I have the words we wrote together to ground me. He was the only one who could make me feel stronger, and I always think about the way he would want me to handle myself in difficult situations.”

Going through the process with your aging parents may even give you a head start on thinking about your own ethical will. What values do you want to pass on to your children? How can you role model these for them today? How can you live your life now as if these values really are important to you? How you answer these kinds of questions to yourself can help you create your own legacy of meaning for your children and grandchildren over the next decades.

(c) 2007, Her Mentor Center

Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. and Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are founders of http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, a website for midlife women and http://www.NourishingRelationships.Blogspot.com, a Blog for the Sandwich Generation. They are authors of a forthcoming book about Baby Boomers and family relationships. They offer free newsletter Stepping Stones.

How Sandwiched Boomers Can Help Their Parents Create A Legacy Of Meaning

As a Baby Boomer member of the Sandwich Generation, perhaps you have already had talks with your aging parents about their wills, beneficiaries, and advanced medical directives for hospital care. But have you discussed an ethical will or the legacy of meaning they wish to leave behind? As parents grow older, it becomes more important to them to be remembered for the life lessons they taught than for the material gifts they leave behind.

Rachel remembers her first experience with just such a legacy. “My mother-in-law was a wise woman. Although she wasn’t able to continue her education beyond high school, her understanding of people rivaled that of any psychologist. She raised my husband, a sickly boy, to be self-confident and to strive for the best. She gave all of her grandchildren unconditional love and support. And she never questioned my place in our family. But I think her wisdom was most valuable to all of the family after she learned that her cancer had metastasized. Before she died, she had long private talks with each one of us, never shying away from the truth, even with her grandchildren. She wanted to leave a lasting personal legacy with every member of her family and a final expression of her love for each of us. I am still strengthened by the memory of my final talk with her, even today.”

What can you do to help create a legacy of meaning within your own family? To get started, here are some suggestions.

1. Spend quality time talking with your parents about the values that are important to them. Ask them specific questions about what ethics have guided them through the years. You probably know some of these answers from having observed them and their role modeling, but the conversations can be further enlightening. As Mimi cared for her mom when she was at the end stages of heart failure, they had long conversations deep into the night. Mimi grew to appreciate her mother as never before. “I used to criticize her for being so frugal. I now realize she was afraid she wouldn’t have enough money to survive. I decided to use the small inheritance she managed to save for me in a way she would appreciate. I’ve opened college bank accounts for the children of my brother, who is struggling financially. I am proud that I can honor my mom in this way.”

2. Talk with your parents about their past and the stories of their lives. Their tales will become a part of how you remember them. Through you, the history of your parents will be preserved from generation to generation. Look through their old photographs and listen to the memories they evoke. Video tape these conversations to have a lasting visual and oral record of them. View these family photos and videos as a slice of life – a gift for the future to be enjoyed by your children and grandchildren. Sarah loved seeing the pictures of her mother as a teenager, having fun with her friends at the beach. “Mom always worked so hard – she had two jobs when we were little – and I think it aged her tremendously. My children see her only as very old and infirm. When I show them pictures of her as a girl, full of energy and enthusiasm, she seems more real to them.”

3. Identify what you consider to be your parents’ personal strengths and talk with them about the strengths they remember in their own parents. Create a family strengths tree, focusing both on strengths that have been passed down and on those that are unique to each family member. You will have a concrete visual profile of your ancestors’ virtues to guide you and your children. Toby recalled the impact that her father’s character had on her. “He taught me so much about how to be a good human being just by the way he treated everyone around him. I try to live up to his standard of morality every day in the way I live my life.”

4. Consult with books or Internet websites to help your parents create an ethical will. Your family will be enriched by their legacy – knowing what they believed in, their values and rituals, and how they lived their lives. Remaining emotionally open during this interactive process can help you better understand your parents as well as yourself and your own personal goals. Shortly before he died, Lynn and her father wrote down some of his thoughts and answers to the questions they had discussed. Now when she feels troubled, she spends time rereading her journal. “Dad lived to age 92. He is always in my mind and I have the words we wrote together to ground me. He was the only one who could make me feel stronger, and I always think about the way he would want me to handle myself in difficult situations.”

Going through the process with your aging parents may even give you a head start on thinking about your own ethical will. What values do you want to pass on to your children? How can you role model these for them today? How can you live your life now as if these values really are important to you? How you answer these kinds of questions to yourself can help you create your own legacy of meaning for your children and grandchildren over the next decades.

© 2007, Her Mentor Center

Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. and Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are founders of http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, a website for midlife women and http://www.NourishingRelationships.Blogspot.com, a Blog for Sandwiched Boomers. They are authors of a forthcoming book about Baby Boomers and family relationships. They offer free newsletter Stepping Stones

Anger Management for Teens: Self Help Steps to Control Your Emotions

Anger is unavoidable. Feelings of anger are triggered by factors in our environment and are accompanied by certain physiological reactions. Anger management focuses on the negative expression of these feelings. When one externalizes anger, one can mistreat the world around him.

Teenagers have a unique experience with anger. Adolescence is a major growth stage emotionally, socially and physically. Teenagers go through this stage without the benefit of a fully mature brain. Thus, their understanding and ability to self-regulate their emotions is often difficult. There are, however, several ways in which teenagers can gain better control of anger management. Managing anger involves becoming aware of the physiological “signals”, such as blood pressure and heart rate, before the thinking part of the brain is bypassed and the action part of the brain is engaged.

Following are some of the concepts I offer teens:

1. It takes 10 steps before you “lose” your temper. Here’s an example: If I throw a ball to you, you catch it. However, if you were two-years-old, it might hit you in the face. Through trail and error, you have learned to lift your hands up, cup your hands, keep your eyes on the ball, bring your hands together at the right moment, press hard enough to keep the ball in your hands and suddenly you have caught the ball.

This “catching the ball” technique took months or maybe years to master. In the same way, learning techniques to control your anger takes time to learn. Let’s take a look at how we can break down the way we react in a situation to see how we might handle our anger differently:

You ask your mom if you can go out while thinking to yourself: “She won’t let me.” You feel sick to your stomach, your heart races. You feel hot and angry and you’re ready for a fight.
A little too rudely, you ask your mom if you can go out. She responds to your tone of voice and says “no.” You explode and scream, “I knew you were going to say that!” You go to your room and slam the door. You kick the bed and throw yourself down and think hateful thoughts. In order to begin to control your anger, you need to deconstruct your behavior and see all these “steps” you’ve gone through.

2. Prevention is the best medicine. If you understand step 1 and step 2 of your angry reaction, you can prevent steps 3, 4 and 5 from happening. Awareness is the key. Catching yourself before those other steps occur takes practice (like a child learning to catch a ball). You need to find a way to prevent yourself from going too far. In our example, from the moment you thought about asking your mom for permission to go out, you felt and behaved angrily. You need an alternative plan. One alternative during the early stages of anger is to pause and tell yourself, “I’ve got to break this pattern. Acting this way solves nothing. I don’t feel good when I get distressed. I need to calm down and then cope with what I’m feeling.” How do you do that?

Take a deep breath. This allows you the opportunity to plan a different conversation with your mother. Use an external “reminder” to “stop, look, and listen” to different behavioral options. For instance, wearing a certain bracelet, ring or band can be a reminder for you that you need to stop long enough to consider the outcome of the path you are on. Give yourself a break. Go outside for a bit. Take 10 deep breaths. Go to your room, lie down and listen to music. Write a page in your journal. Any of these techniques will allow you the “space” to talk yourself through the problem at hand.

3. Like that child learning to catch the ball, it takes time to learn to control your behavior. In the event that you reach the point of losing your temper and expressing your anger, you need a plan as well. Some have found the following techniques as helpful at times like these: going for a run, punching a pillow, or throwing a ball. Screaming into your pillow can be more productive than screaming at your mother. These physical releases can produce a calmer state in which you can take a look at what led to the angry response and make a plan for the next time it happens.

4. Finally, write yourself a letter. Tell yourself the situations that trigger your anger. Describe the first steps as you move towards an angry outburst. Then, describe alternative plans for calming yourself and dealing reasonably with your anger. Give specific behavioral options that you’ve learned and calm you down at that stage. Also include plans for safe releases of your anger if it goes too far. This letter should be available at all times. Your own words can be your best coach when you feel circumstances getting out of control.

Copyright 2008 Parent Education Group – Reprints Accepted – Two links must be active in the bio.

Laura Doerflinger, MS, a licensed mental health counselor, is the Executive Director of the Parent Education Group at http://www.familyauthority.com/ and the author of the audio book, Emotionally Balanced Parenting.

Copyright 2009 Parent Education Group – Reprints Accepted – Two links must be active in the bio.